Are we parenting right?

There's actually no manual about what's right or wrong to do in a situation like ours. I'm sure there's books out there that have opinions on how we could handle this but there's nothing that says "here's how Knox needs you to parent him during this time". While we can keep life as normal as possible there's no denying that having a new sibling coming is a big deal for a wee kid and then add that Daddy has cancer, well you can imagine we are really on our own on this one.

So what is it that we are doing? We are sticking to our policy of being open and honest with him. We have told him from the beginning that Daddy has something wrong with his head that's because of the headaches he was getting. Once we knew more about it we talked about how Daddy had something growing in his head that shouldn't be there and needed to come out. Knox found a booklet we had been given that had pictures of normal cells and how they turn into tumour cells and so I explained that to him. Once we knew what was happening with Tahu's treatment I also explained to him the difference between surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. I have to say that was one of my lower moments, it's exceptionally hard and just plain wrong to explain to your precious 4 year old about radiation and chemo. Why on earth does he need to know these things? Why did we have to go through this? But he asks questions and I don't want him to be confused by things or to hear things from others that aren't correct. He is very smart and would have known immediately that something was up so it was never an option to not tell him and if this is his new normal then he needs to know about it.

We also took him along to one of Tahu's radiation sessions and explained everything. This did scare him a bit, he was very clingy. But if he knows what's happening for Daddy and that it's not hurting him and the people he's with are lovely then that will make this easier. Chemo is just tablets and it's after Knox is in bed so we haven't really had a big conversation about that.

Now we know others aren't doing the same as us. We know of other families who haven't told their young children that Daddy/Mummy has cancer and that is what works for them. Whether you tell your children or not is completely up to the parents. For us, we chose to tell Knox all that he can understand. It physically hurts to hear him talk about Daddy's tumours or headaches but he knows Daddy can't work or drive and that he isn't well and because he often sees us crying I think it's better to give him the full story from the beginning so that he doesn't lose trust in us (because we say everything is fine when it's clearly not) or he won't have a strong memory of finding out Daddy has cancer. But only a parent knows what the child can and can't handle and what they should and shouldn't know. We aren't going to know until many years down the track if we have done this right so we just have to hope we have.

While we have tried to keep as much consistency in Knox's life as we can, we also let things slide that we wouldn't have before. We pick our battles a lot more now. Knox had started swearing when Tahu was first admitted to hospital and while it was tempting to just deal with that later I stuck to my guns and managed to get him to stop that (a couple of days with no iPad did the trick). I know he needs that stability of having his bad behaviour called out and his good behaviour praised. But then for a few months there he just ate a lot of cheerios, luncheon sausage and mcdonalds because I had no energy to try and get him to eat other foods especially when I was in the midst of morning sickness and couldn't handle anything myself and you know what? Tahu was the healthiest amongst us and where did his veggies and fruit get him? Oh and don't get me started on the amount of screen time he's had this year. I won't be winning any Facebook or Instagram Mummy of the Year awards that's for sure!

If you asked me my tips for parenting through cancer or another crisis, I'd probably say this:

1. You know your child, do what feels right. Always refer back to this one. 
2. Where possible, be open and honest. Explain everything they need to know at their level and be prepared to have to do this a few times because they'll have questions. Keep it simple though. 
3. Pick your battles, let them sleep in your bed if it's easier, let them eat the food they want if it's easier but keep up your normal level of discipline. Don't let bad behaviour go because it's going to make it so much harder when you're back on track and trying to get on top of those issues. 
4. Be kind to yourselves and to them. Sometimes it's ok to cancel everything and spend the day on the couch watching movies and eating junk food. If you find yourself yelling a lot or just not coping, just take a step back and stay in your pjs all day with them if that's what they want. Or spoil them sometimes. One day it was cold and rainy and we were stuck inside and all feeling crappy so we all went out and bought Knox some new lego. It was good to get out of the house but also fun for us to all do the lego together. Usually we wouldn't do this because there was no "reason" but I'm glad we did then. 
5. Lower your expectations of them. You know they probably won't be perfect in public so don't make them come to the hospital for long periods of time or appointments. We tried to take Knox in most days to see Tahu but only for 10-20 mins at a time. Also I made a wee bag for Knox to have at the hospital that had colouring in stuff, toys, puzzles and snacks. I didn't actually end up using it but I still think it was an awesome idea. It was easy to keep by Tahu's bed and gave Knox something to do when he was visiting. 

I could keep writing about what we have been doing with Knox but I think that's probably enough. I don't know if we have done right or wrong but he's coping ok and that's the best we can hope for.